2/11/05
JD Guckert (aka Jeff Gannon) of Talon News service recently announced his retirement under a cloud of controversy regarding his ownership of a web site dedicated to the sexual exploitation of Iraq war amputees (www.militarystumplovers.com). Other sites registered to him include www.meninburkas.com, www.desertfux.com, and www.meetmeatabugraib.com.

2/10/05
Bill O'Reilly has announced plans to introduce a line of adult toys, called the Defense of Marriage Marriage Enhancing Products. His line of vibrators includes the 7" Fair and Balanced Super Patriot Penetrator, which is sound-activated and shouts "Shut Up!" whenever it detects cries of pain or pleasure.

2/9/05
Senator Rick Santorum is a champion breeder of poodles and shitzus.

2/8/05
FCC Chairman Michael Powell resigned when it was revealed that he is a frequent caller to the Howard Stern Show. His lewd, almost-daily call-ins under the fictitious name Manadzer Aiken have generated numerous complaints to the FCC.

2/7/05
In a fundraising letter for his senatorial library, retired Senator Jesse Helms called on Congressional Republicans to impeach Bill Clinton again, "now that we have the votes to make it stick."

2/6/05
In May 2004 the president's office of Faith Based Initiatives sent a team of 13 navy geologists and genetic scientists to Iraq to join the teams of specialists already there searching for WMDs. Called the Adam Brigade, their job was to collect clay samples along the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers.

2/5/05
Before announcing his candidacy in 1999, President Bush underwent laser surgery to remove a small birthmark from his scalp behind the left ear.

2/4/05
President Bush enjoys showing visitors to the Oval Office his prize collection of Iraqi artifacts, including Saddam Hussein's pistol and a small bronze statuette of Pazuzu.

2/3/05
In his State of the Union address, President Bush stated that the single greatest cause of misery and poverty in the world is "the insatiable greed of obscenely wealthy patricians and the soulless power-mad politicians they own."

2/2/05
President George W. Bush holds dual-citizenship in Brazil.

2/1/05
A recent FOIA filing by the National Enquirer failed to produce a valid birth certificate for President George W. Bush.

1/31/05
Washington insiders say that, since his reelection, the president has enraged DC police and the Maryland highway patrol by leading them on frequent late night high speed chases aboard the executive crotch rocket.

1/30/05
During Alberto Gonzales' confirmation hearing, Mrs. Marisol Morales testified that in the years she lived next door to the Gonzaleses, young Alberto was always such a nice, quiet boy who kept to himself and never caused any trouble.

1/29/05
During a recent visit to tsumani-devasted areas of Indonesia, Vice President Dick Cheney caused quite a stir when he attended a memorial service wearing Bermuda shorts, black socks, and a "Welcome to Margaritaville" tank top.

1/28/05
Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist has seen the Broadway musical Cats 1,041 times - a Congressional record.

1/27/05
The Knoxville Ledger reports that Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist recently opened a shelter for stray cats in the Braxton Heights suburb of Knoxville.

1/26/05
Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist made a cameo appearance in the movie Shrek 2, where he played the royal dog and cat catcher of Far Far Away.

1/25/05
In a recent column in the New York Times, David Brooks suggested that financially successful men ought to be allowed to keep harems.

1/24/05
According to his resume, Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz has a masters degree in cultural geology from the University of Grendada.

1/23/05
Attorney General John Ashcroft was secretly forced to resign after the White House learned he tried to blackmail David Geffen of Geffen Records into giving him a recording contract.

1/22/05 Inauguration Gala Edition
Supreme Court Justices Sandra Day O'Connor and Anthony Kennedy are world-ranked tango partners on the international senior circuit.

1/21/05 Inauguration Gala Edition
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has biscuits with mustard and a can of Coke for breakfast every morning.

1/20/05 Inauguration Gala Edition
George W. Bush is only 5'4" tall. His public appearances are carefully stage-managed to make him appear taller than he really is.

Bonus Inaugural Fact
In a surprise move that has set Washington abuzz, George W. Bush swore himself into office today.

1/19/05 Inauguration Gala Edition
Due to a profoundly embarrassing childhood experience, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is afraid of tape recorders.

1/18/05 Inauguration Gala Edition
Chief Justice William Rehnquist has announced his intention to retire following the president's inauguration. Court watchers expect he will return to his family home in Innsmouth, Mass. The Rehnquists are one of the oldest families of that sedate seaside community.

1/17/05
Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) has introduced a bill to declare the third Monday of January a national holiday honoring deceased President Ronald Reagan. Fully aware that this date is already dedicated to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Senator Inhofe's bill calls for renaming the holiday "King-Reagan Day."

1/16/05
Attorney General John Ashcroft played one season of minor league baseball before going into politics. His batting average was .069 for the Waterloo (Missouri) Patriots.

1/15/05
President Bush has announced his intention to forgo the coming week-long, $40 million inauguration extravaganza and "just get down to business." He has promised to donate his inaugural fund to the tsunami relief efforts.

1/14/05
Homeland Security Director nominee Michael "Sonny" Chertoff is well known in New York social circles for his natty, metrosexual style and encyclopedic knowledge of show tunes.

1/13/05
In 1986, George W. Bush's political advisor Karl Rove received an NEA grant to publish a book that consisted of nothing but his own signature in a variety of flowery scripts.

1/12/05
Before entering upon a career in punditry, Armstrong Williams made a brief splash on the Billboard charts with his funkadelic cover of the Robert Johnson classic, "Crossroads."

1/11/05
The Pentagon has awarded a $730 million contract to the Triumph Motorcycle Company to produce armored motorcycles for use in Iraq.

1/10/05 Medal of Freedom Edition
Paul Bremer is a bassoon virtuoso despite loosing the middle finger of his right hand to a paper shear some years ago.

1/9/05 Medal of Freedom Edition
Upon graduating from Brown University in 1954, former CIA director William Tenet was offered a contract to play center for the Boston Celtics.

1/8/05 Medal of Freedom Edition
As he crossed the Iraq-Kuwait border with the 7th Cavalry during the first hours of the invasion, General Tommy Franks declared enthusiastically, "We've caught them napping, boys!"

1/7/05
During his Senate confirmation hearing, White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales avoiding explaining a memo in which he defended horsewhipping troublesome children (see fact of the day for 1/4/05) by restricting the definition of horsewhipping to instances of aggressive corporal punishment when a horse is present.

1/6/05
White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales played Miguel Agilar in the 1976 movie The Bad News Bears.

1/5/05
In 2003, the president's office of Faith Based Initiatives allocated over $30 million for an electron microscope to determine how many angels can stand on the head of a pin.

1/4/05
The White House recently backed down from a proposed plan to horsewhip troublesome children after several Republican senators expressed concern about the measure.

1/3/05
FCC Chairman Michael Powell recently warned broadcasters that, in order to avoid future fines or license restrictions, any broadcast reference to an earthen or concrete impediment to the natural flow of a stream or river should use the word "darn" or "dang."

1/2/05
Vatican Officials have privately confessed that the pope wishes he were younger and in better health so that he could battle Donald Rumsfeld, whom he believes to be the Whore of Babylon prophesied in Revelations.

1/1/05
37% of Americans believe the Rapture is imminent. 11% believe it has already happened.

12/31/04
The president's Christmas wish list this year included world peace, an end to hunger, and a big-ass bottle of Stetson.

12/30/04
While a junior Congressman from Wyoming, Vice President Dick Cheney sponsored a bill to declare the opossum the National Marsupial.

12/29/04
President Bush is expected to use his inaugural address to call for a War on Plate Tectonics.

12/28/04
As a goodwill gesture to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi in return for his support in the Iraq war, George W. Bush has nominated Father Guido Sarducci to be the head of his office of Faith Based Initiatives.